Out of Practice.

I need to confess something. I am completely out of writing practice. It’s embarassing. In that regard, I feel like a retired athlete who has decided to return to their sport after several years away.

Rusty.

I miss the type of writing that involves in-depth thinking and self-edifying skills. I’ve had so many doubts in my abilities during the recent months, it has kept me from trying. That’s no excuse, I know, but I’m certain every writer expriences a lapse of self doubt on more than one occasion. This has been one of mine.

There have been several times in the past weeks where something interesting took place and I thought, “I could write about that.” But I didn’t. Other times where I said to myself, “That is funny. I should write about that!” But unfortunately, I didn’t…

Part of it is lack of motivation. I’ve had so much to think about and deal with (or put up with) recently, I’ve had little to no interest in participating in this magical thing that I love so much, which is so sad. Because I am fully aware of the kind of joy I get from writing. Why have I deprived myself of that?

I think something I need to do is explore the part of my mind that loves to create. I need to write some stories, good or bad, to remind myself of the many, many reasons why I am so passionate about the written word. And in some way, to prove that I can still do this. Because even at this very moment, I hesitate to publish this, for fear of the inevitable obligations I willingly force myself to take responsibility for. Expectations will need to be met, above all, my own.

Maybe I’m being too melodramatic but I haven’t felt right for a very long time, so if this seems silly to you, you simply don’t understand that writing is part of my identity. So much so, when it’s not there, I feel like an imposter. More than painting, more than songwriting, more than taking pictures… I love the power and immortality that words possess.

It’s taken a long time for me to humble myself enough to write all this down. But now that I have, I feel a lot better. Like an alcoholic might feel better at their first first AA meeting when he or she says, “Hello, my name is ______ and I’m an alcoholic.”

Yeah. It’s a relief.

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