I guess I’ve been thinking about the last few years and how I’ve changed my mind about so many things. The best way to explain is to start back at the beginning of high school.

My dad convinced me to pursue graphic design during my sophomore year. I’ve been drawing since I was old enough to hold a pencil and he knew that if I wanted to, I could be very successful as a professional graphic designer. I took it to heart and between my sophomore and junior years, that is what I pursued.

Sometime during my junior year, I realized I couldn’t picture myself designing graphics and logos and be happy at the same time. It didn’t interest me and the only time I enjoyed creating art was in my spare time. Ultimately, I could see professional art bringing me down in the future and that was the last thing I wanted.

Soon after that, I realized that I loved to write and the idea of writing screenplays for a living was very appealing. I liked movies (still do) and knew that if given the chance, I could write a movie good enough for Hollywood. For the longest time, all I would do is brainstorm ideas and analyze characters, create plot twists and multiple climatic endings… But I could never finish anything. The more I dwelt on one screenplay, the more I started to hate it and move on to something else. I was never satisfied. I knew that if I ever wrote a screenplay, it would have to be in collaberation with someone else. Writing screenplays still interests me and I hope to do that someday, but not full-time (obviously) and not on my own.

Still, I loved to write. Hence the whole blog outlet starting in November of 2001, near the beginning my senior year. So I looked into the different schools with writing programs that were detailed in a variety of genres. After a thorough search of schools within Washington, I learned there was nothing around here that appealed to me. I knew my parents couldn’t afford to send me out of state (within the US), so I decided to check out Canada. With the currency exchange rate, it might not be so bad. After combing through another large sum of universities, I found two schools that would fit me just about right. One slightly better than the other, both still very good. The University of British Columbia (UBC) and the University of Victoria (UVic). However, UVic seemed better to me because of the advanced placement they offer to students with exceptional writing abilities.

Over the summer, I worked a lot on the portfolio I planned to send to UVic during the fall semester. I would continue at Cascadia, earning my two-year degree, and then transfer to UVic the following year (at least I’d hoped to).

Sometime toward the end of August, it occurred to me how much I enjoyed playing music and how I was actually being encouraged to look into it professionally. I started playing the guitar the summer before my sophomore year and by the time I was a senior, I’d written a few decent songs. I was getting better and better by the week with every lesson I received from Rick, my guitar teacher. I quickly started to question whether or not attending UVic was what I wanted.

Fall semester began and most of my friends left for their different colleges and universities. I continued at Cascadia and lived with my parents, still writing and playing guitar, loving them both equally. Leah left for Trinity Western in Canada and started her pursuit for a bachelor’s in Communications. Ryan left for Bethany Bible College to major in Pastoral Studies. Most of my friends discovered (almost immediately) what it was they wanted. Not just in school, but in life.

Ryan had started talking to me about the music ministry program they have at the Bible College and over time, the idea started getting to me. Not to mention, a full year at a Canadian school would cost my parents no more than $7000 for an entire academic year. So I started looking into that and I filled out all the app’s and made the phone calls and even planned a visit to check the school out for myself. However, just two days before I was to leave, I felt an immense tug at my heart and I knew that I wasn’t supposed to go. So I credited my $500 ($700+ Canadian) airplane ticket and turned my back on that whole idea.

Since then, my options have returned to many things. Of course, I’ve been going to Cascadia this entire time and I am very happy to say that when this summer is over, I will have completed my two-year degree. Whatever university I end up attending will transfer all 90+ credits that I’ve earned because it is a finished degree. I can go to any university and study whatever subject I want without having to succumb to many (if any) academic subjects at all.

However, like I have been saying, if I head into school in the fall, I will burn out before anything in me is ever ignited. I need a break, a significant amount of time spent away from home, family, friends, and everything else familiar to me. I need to get out on my own for a while and experience things for myself. This has always been what I’ve wanted to do, but I suppose I never quite knew how or what would be the right thing to do.

I am fickle, it’s true. But being fickle has a lot to do with my desperate desire to do the thing that God wants me to. Whatever that is will be the right thing and the best possible choice I can make. If it is according to God, then I want it to be according to me also.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out what God wants me to do with my time off. I’m going to work for a significant while, and from there, I just don’t know. What I know are vague chunks of information. Details come eventually, but my impatience doesn’t help any. I know that I have to work for a while, so I’m doing that. I know I have to move out sometime in the fall, so I intend to save up enough to do that as well. I know I’m supposed to go somewhere far away here, so I will. I will do all these things, but it’s the little questions that drive me mad. How much money I am supposed to make? When exactly am I supposed to move out this fall? Where am I supposed to go when I do? And what will I do once I get there?

“Ere go, as you so aptly put it, the problem… is choice.” – from the movie Matrix:Reloaded

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