I went to CRU on Wednesday. It was extremely nice having the fellowship. But to be perfectly and utterly honest, I’ve felt quite bitter towards Christians and Christianity as of late. Mostly because everyone who believes the same things I do seem to take to it so much easier than I am able. That may not be true, but it’s the way it feels. Perhaps everyone struggles in the same exact ways, but that’s not what I see. People can lift their hands and they can whisper affirming “yes, God’s” and “amen’s” during all the prayers. I can do those things too, but not without thoroughly thinking out every reason I should. Others appear to do things without thinking, without wondering if their actions are a result of how they genuinely feel. Because there are so many things we do that are simply routines that have become just short of meaningless. Not only do the people who practice shallow gestures frustrate me, but also the people who practice pure and honest acts of worship. Just how do they do it?! And why can’t I do the same?! The truth is that I can, but I’m not sure how. People will say, “If you know God’s love, then it comes easy to praise Him,” or “God’s grace is enough to humble me.” Fine. But as complex the love and grace of God is, that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve known God since I was three years old.

However, even though I struggle and wrestle with God most (if not all) days, I would much rather be someone who truly knows and questions God than someone who readily denies God without knowing who He is first. That’s a mistake we all have made–saying “no” to someone before allowing a single word to escape his or her lips.

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