Allow me to explain my last post. I have, in so many words, run head first into a wall. I am smashed, pressed… Basically, I’m just one big mess.
Wednesday morning, my alarm went off. The time was 8:00 am and I was supposed to begin preparing myself for my psychology class. Did I? Absolutely not. I turned the alarm off and rolled over, and happily did so. I knew it wasn’t a smart idea and that it wasn’t in my best interest to miss class. I still didn’t get up. Reason being, I just didn’t care. I had no desire to care, either. I took pleasure in knowing that I was being lazy and lacked any motivation. Because for the last seven months, I have been working on school; I push myself to complete as much as I can, the best I can, as quickly as I can. For the most part, I’ve loved it. I haven’t regretted a single thing. At least, nothing that pertains to school. I am overworked, nonetheless, and now I think I’ve pushed myself into a sort of sickly state.
I’ve been having these heachaches. Chronic and localized in certain parts of my head. Moving too quickly brings a throbbing pain. As do bright lights. Tylenol, Excedrin, anything that contains caffeine–nothing seems to really help. So (and you’ve probably noticed as of late) I start thinking irrationally. I wonder if it’s like a brain tumor… And I start to worry. About myself and about everyone else I care about. The concern I have for myself and others becomes overwhelming. I wouldn’t say it takes over, but it does have a strong influence on my overall well-being.
I’ve hung myself. In a very short time, too. School started again just slightly more than two weeks ago. And I’ve already found myself stifled and hindered by self-imposed stress. My outlook does not look good. Not unless I change something, and immediately. I thought I was making things simpler. I let go of my guitar lessons, sadly. I’ve turned loose the semi-burden of giving horseback riding lessons. I’ve removed 1/4 of my belongings from my room and plan to sell them by the month’s end. What I felt was the stripping away of unnecessary responsibilities was only the opportunity to fill those voids with more unnecessary crap. I have got to stop.
I talked to my sister about it tonight. Her words that struck me most were, “Breathe some fresh air.”
My nose is presently clogged. Dad said, “Your allergies, Car. Spring has come. It’s your allergies.” But I don’t think that’s it at all. I’ve clogged my sinuses with a stifled and inactive life. The world is my playground and I’ve put myself in a “time-out.” Well, no more of that crap! I’m tagging myself back in the game!
Because when it comes to touch-football, I’ve been known to make a few touch-downs…